I CAN'T wait to get to Caulfield races tomorrow. I've just got off the phone to my jockey mate and we are going to make one hell of a killing on the punt.
He's got a ride in one of the early races that he'll pull up because it's one of the favourites and we can get some serious coin out of it. He's instructed me to lay it on a betting exchange until my nose bleeds because, as he says: "I'm going to find more trouble than the early settlers and then if that is not enough, I'll jump off if it looks like winning."
He's riding a nice horse later in the day, but he'll get back to me on that one. He still has a few of his fellow riders to call just to make sure they know the sting is on. "Give me plenty of cover and then when I call, get out of my way," he'll tell them.
I've also had some information today that there's a horse in the last that's been doped up to the eyeballs and will win by the length of the straight. That one had me a bit worried that we might land in trouble with officials, but I was assured that connections of the horse will give it the "Bauer plea".
That is, they didn't know they were doing wrong and, just in case that is not enough, will produce a vet who will read from the newly released handbook published yesterday by Racing Victoria on how to avoid culpability.
"On veterinary advice, any analgesic effect from the treatment received by [unnamed] horse would not have been present on the day of the race."
Brilliant. Gee, I love what's happened to racing in 2008. Where rules sometimes simply don't apply. Where there can be a clear transgression but with no penalty attached. Where ignorance of the law is the best excuse.
Here's how you do it. First of all, try your best to cover up any wrongdoing and then, if word gets out, throw out the rulebook, blame some local vet for doing the wrong thing, quote a QC (not just any lawyer) who is happy to dump on the very rules that govern racing and suddenly everyone is happy. Except for those fools interested in justice, a level playing field and safety and welfare of horses and jockeys.
I got another phone call yesterday from a person in NSW who was having trouble understanding yesterday's decision by RVL not to pursue the Bauer matter. He said he had this horse that he reckoned could win last year's Melbourne Cup. Only trouble was that he was on the wrong side of the Murray River and although he was equine influenza-free, he was not permitted to send his horse to Melbourne. Poor guy must be a bit potty because as much as I tried to explain it to him, he just couldn't understand why he had to follow the rules but that racing's rules did not apply in the Bauer case. In this job, you get these crank calls every now and then - but I managed to get him off the line pretty quickly.
Sure enough, the phone rang again. It was some twit banging on about a fine he received from stewards for not notifying a change of riding tactics. I tried to explain to him that if he can't afford a QC, then racing might not be his game, but he went waffling on about fairness or some tripe. I had to hang up on him. Eventually I just had to leave the office as the calls just kept on coming. You can't make it simple enough for some people.
While yesterday's decision not to pursue the Bauer case surely saved RVL from further embarrassment locally and internationally as well as a potentially costly legal issue or two, it will be long remembered as a day when racing's rules came in a distant second. Soundly beaten by gobbledegook.